Saturdaze

Up with the sun, and continuing to chase rabbits (that is what I call the round and round in my head). Working on last night's posting and no closer to getting my arms around the essence of the thing, so I'll set it aside and just toss off a few lines.

I'm worried that my default position of late is dissatisfaction. This is uncomfortable and unlike me (or at least unlike how I perceive myself; maybe I need to go back in front of the mirror and take more lumps?). I like to think I'm fairly optimistic and have a positive outlook, but lately I have little proof of that perception.

Also, I feel guilty when I'm dissastisfied, because after all, what do I have to complain about? What justification is there? I"m not starving, I have a roof over my head, I'm in no imminent danger that I know of, and I'm reasonably healthy. Millions of people would trade places with me in an instant. And yet...

So I feel ungrateful. Which I"m not.

I don't know what spurs all this questioning. Well, maybe I do a little bit. I think I'm always on the hunt for clarity of purpose and meaningful existence, and I rarely feel like I manage the whole enchilada. Bits and pieces and moments, yes, but not the calm and fluid continuity and peace of mind that I think everyone deserves. I have no desire for perfection in life, but some steady balance might be a good thing.

What strikes me is that this doesn't seem to be an isolated feeling. Think about it, how many people do you know in your own life that display and radiate a solid sense of grounded contentment? I can think of 3 out of a whole big mess of people. And you can bet I'm talking to them. Not looking for a secret, not wanting a shortcut, but trying to understand how they can have this sweet balance when they're dealing with at least as much as the rest of us and in some cases more.

Maybe its a matter of attitude, and mine needs some adjustment. Or maybe it's recognizing there's a lot more to life than going through the motions and being in a safe and comfortable rut, and not taking some chances that can be the difference between living wide open or existing in a reasonably safe and comfortable torpor.

One of my favorite sayings is "a well lived life is a messy business." I made that up some years ago.

Think of how you might eat peaches: You can go to the store, pick out a perfectly formed round just right colored peach, take it home, wash it, peel it carefully, slice it onto a nice plate, sit down at the table and eat it with a fork, napkin handy. Or, you can walk out to the orchard barefoot at the end of a hot summer day, reach up into the branches, thru the limbs and bees buzzing, locate that one perfectly ripe soft and warm peach, snap it down, sit under the tree in the twilight with fireflies dancing, peel it right there with your fingers and eat it with your hands, the warm sweet peach-y juice running down your hand, your arm, all sticky, peach juice on your face and ants crawling across your toes and you have the whole messy world right there in just that instant.

Both ways enable you to eat the peach. One way lets you EXPERIENCE the peach. I'd choose sitting under the tree every time. It's a matter of style. Except recently I seem to be reaching for too many napkins. And this is what troubles me.

Ah well. There is no end to this, so I'll have to enforce a mandatory pause right here. I'm going down to work on some clay, maybe some insight will come to me. If it does I'll be sure to share it! Otherwise, I leave you with my wishes for a great day, and this tune, the soundtrack of the morning.

Have a great Satuday!