Beginning the weekend extravaganza

roughsawn lumber (we still roll our own a lot around here...)



promise of peaches in the summer if it doesn't freeze too hard in the next few weeks...



and apples, YUM!

Pics from this afternoons LONG Lucydog walk. We went to the orchard to see spring coming in!

and just to show I don't make this stuff up, a three year old sketchbook...note the cover art!



I think it has the possiblity of being a creatively productive pondering weekend!

The Weekend!

Life is GOOD right now. An evening and two days await. I'm ready to plunge into them and make big messes and search and seek and wander and wonder and see what I can do. Stay tuned for updates, or if there aren't any, know that I'm in a creative frenzy making god knows what.

My life motto: "A well lived life is a messy business" So, lets see how much living I can cram into the next 2 1/2 days...

Stray thoughts...

Seem like I only have two speeds, full on, or off. Lately, I've been on. So I'm trying to channel it productively. But I am constantly descended on by random thoughts out of the blue, like this one:

What matters is what you're doing right now. Not what you've done, not what you want to do, but What. You're. Doing. Right. Now.

Maybe I shouldn't fall asleep reading Chinese philosophy...., or maybe it's good that I do. Who knows?

So, what are you doing right now? Share with the class.

La Danse De la Vie

Because sometimes its slow and sweet, sometimes wild and abandoned, and sometimes, it's " just living and dying in 3/4 time." But if we're lucky, we can always hear some music..

Have a great Friday!

Smudges

I've been doing these things for a year or two, I have several notebooks full. They started out as kind of an immediate gratification thing, when I didn't have time or energy to put into something more demanding. But they've gotten more involved, and I do them on purpose now, when I'm feeling particularly fired up about something.

I like the saturated colors, cause that's how I tend to feel things. But my most favorite thing about them is the blurred edges, the blendings, the meetings and gradiations of color. I like the ambiguous definitions of beginning, end, and boundary because they suggest to me wide open possibilities. These feel dynamic to me while I'm making them (as opposed to static) and very vibrant.

(This is an odd post, cause I almost never "explain" any work I do or post...why I'm compelled to do it at this moment is a mystery...)

I think the idea from these came from an exhibition of Mark Rothko paintings I saw a few years ago. I had seen them in books, but was in no way prepared for the visceral feeling of being in a space surrounded by them. I had a very physical reaction, as if my body was resonating to the panels. I remember being stunned by this, and not by beauty...its was more a sensation of the raw power emanating from the rich, saturated colors and enveloping me. My first experience of this kind, and I'll never forget it. I understand that while everyone's experience is personal and unique, having some kind of reaction to work like that is not terribly unusual, but almost always unexpected. I feel lucky to have had the experience and received the lesson.

Hope everyone has a good evening! Tomorrow's Friday kiddies! So let's get a jump and listen to a tune!

Weather Report: A man, a camera, a tripod...

the sun came up this morning, it hinted at warm....







i wore shorts, it hasn't rained, turned cold, snowed, sleeted, or hailed, yet....











the hyacinths (my favorite bulbs) are opening, and you can smell their perfume when you walk past...ahhhhh












and all kinds of other little things are pushing up out of the rocks and leaves.....





I hereby declare Spring has arrived on Small Pondering Hill!

Lunchtime Bulletin

Just before I go down to eat:

1. The sun is out.
2. BLUEBIRDS this morning!
3. The smallponderer is attired in well worn and tattered cargo shorts for the first time this year. (ok, I'm wearing a sweatshirt and beat up boots too, but still...)

I fear this may result in 6 more weeks of winter...

gotta run, hope everyone is having a great day!

Late Afternoon on Small Ponderings Hill

I'm outside, sitting in the sun. The birds are singing, the loggers are down the mountain modifying the landscape. The dogs are fed and quiet, and I am drinking a beer. It's warm (for here) t-shirt weather. I am reminded of how lucky I am.

Others, not so much. Life is pretty much a roll of the dice sometimes, and I have friends, more than one, that are having a sucky time of it lately. Not just little things, but major, possibly life changing events. There is a lot of upheaval going on at any given moment in the universe, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

I've been working on a post about the dark parts of our personalities, using myself as an example, but can't seem to coax it all out. Instead of my usual flood of words, it just is trickling out in small bits. So I put it aside then go back to it repeatedly. It feels important to stay after. But then something happens that lets me see that line of questioning in a larger context, challenging some assumptions and forcing me to look at a bigger picture of the world around me. And this is where I am at the moment.

It is a fact, no matter what we want to believe that bad shit happens to good people. Heartbreak, illness, life emergencies, physical or emotional catastrophies, economic and social challenges that we can't imagine, these are some people's daily lives. I personally know of at least a half a dozen people dealing with these sorts of issues this very afternoon. And the thing that is hard to come to grips with is that sometimes, there aren't any answers, sometimes things are NOT going to work out and be ok, and sometimes people you care about suffer. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it, except watch it play out. Life isn't always fair, and almost never easy.

Sometimes time, space, distance, or life situations leave us with few options to offer towards help, comfort or support. I experienced this with my sister some years ago. Phone calls, letters and emails, all words, served no good against her daily challenges. At some point, words of support, love and care don't matter too much. That was a hard lesson to learn, and one I often forget when people I care about are suffering and that's all I have to offer. But that's the reality of some situations.

So what to do? To do nothing feels like an unacceptable answer. More words, chatter, cheerleading in the face of crisis, while done with good intention seems trivial and a way of denying the day to day reality a person is going thru. Gestures like candy, or flowers or cards pale in front of the gravity of the real issues people are dealing with. So, what..what to do?

Maybe we can accept things for what they are; be sad, be angry, be depressed, just be honest about it. Maybe we accept that bad things happen, but don't get stuck on it. Maybe we stand up, and put one foot in front of the other and move. Maybe to be compassionate and empathetic and sensitive to what other people are having to deal with and just letting it (and they) be and do what they need to is the best way of honoring that person. Maybe we make ourselves accessible and responsive, but not hovering or suffocating. Maybe we could understand a little more. Maybe we each live our own lives and trust that others know how to best live and navigate theirs. It's their turn, it's what life has dealt them today. And tomorrow, it could be ours. And I for one would want anyone that cared about me to have faith in my strength and resilience, and trust that I would reach when and if I needed some help.

I'm pretty realistic and have witnessed and been party to some tragedy in my years. I tend towards optimism. But truthfully there comes a time when you just have to say "what is, is." And that's all that matters. Sometimes, you just have to deal with stuff as best you can, any way you can. And that goes for all of us.

Today I'm lucky. Tomorrow or the next day, who knows? Whatever hand life decides to deal to me, I hope I can play it with the grace and dignity that I see in others.

I hope today you and all the people you love are lucky. And if you're not, if it's your turn to have the dice fall against you, then I wish you the strength to persevere. We're not that much different, you and I...

Random musing while wating for the coffee to brew

I had some idea of posting something thoughtful and illuminating, maybe a piece from the Tao Te Ching or something. But my head is as empty as a piggy bank on the day before payday.

So, this is what you get:

Sun's up, it means we get another chance.

Today's Oblique Strategy: "Water." Eh? Even I, lover of oblique in general, have to let that one settle in to make sense out of it...

Very early morning thought, (upon waking?) "Giving up is a valid choice if made consciously" This is something I want to expand on (or maybe) delete later. I'm not sure where it came from or what it's about.

So, coffee's ready, gotta go. Have a great day...what's on your mind this early morning?

On expectations

Try as I might, I just don't seem to be able to avoid them, expectations I mean. I really, really wanna be a come-what-may kinda guy. Mostly I can make the best out of whatever happens, or at least navigate my way through it without too much thrashing or permanent damage. But not always. And that's just life in the big city (or remote country, depending...)

On my bad days I think I expect too much out of life and living and that's the source of all my problems.

On my good days I think I expect too much out of life and living and that's the source of all my joy.

Most days, I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad day. But I always expect a lot out of life and living.

Today I don't reckon that's a bad thing, at least it keeps me moving. I just can't sit around waiting for stuff to happen; I seem to be driven to make my own happenings. Sometimes this works out, other times (most times?) I just end up with a big mess. I know theres really no control, and I don't have a sense of entitlement, so I guess I just sow the fields around me with my time and energy and whatever abilities I have at the moment, and see what sprouts. Weeds, flowers, corn, whatever, I'm often amazed that anything grows. But then the fun part is seeing what it is and what can be done with it.

Planting metaphors...hmm, an Ode to Spring? Maybe, the sun has decided to make and appearance today, so I'll take it as it comes.

Today's Oblique Strategy

Do we need holes?

Well, of course. I mean what else would there be for me to fall into (and climb out of) during my endless bumbling around?

Words...

On my mind this morning.

As in how to best use them to convey thoughts, feelings, ideas? Why is it one persons words can reach right into you and grab you, instantly bridging time and space and make you feel they were speaking/writing directly to you, and there is complete understanding, while another persons words are just a pile of stuff to navigate thru and around? And it could be the SAME words.

Why do some stories paint vivid pictures and others lay flat, dull? This goes for spoken and written words. Again, people can use the same words, and get completely differnt results.

I read and write a LOT (at least it seems so to me). I collect notebooks full of phrases, in and out of context. I'm not a language junkie, but I like how a word or group of words can create a visual sensation in my mind and give rise to a feeling.

When I write (here or wherever) that's what I shoot for but I so rarely achieve it. Words (or more accurately my use of them) fail me. Or at best it takes someone a lot of digging to get to the essential truth, or the vision or feeling I want to convey. So I'm wondering what to do about that (suggestions welcomed).

Oddly enough, for all the words I read and write, I don't talk much, I'm not a great conversationalist. Wish I was, maybe the familiarity would allow words to flow more easily and smoothly. Communication and connection is a funny thing; the greater my desire for it, the less proficient I seem to be at it. Like trying to grab smoke. It'd be easy to blame the words for the failing, but I don't think that's the problem. And it's not one of sincerity...there's something else. (there is ALWAYS something else!) The big questions of the day: How to connect, how to bridge, how to understand and be understood. How to best communicate thoughts, feelings and ideas?

Ah, a perfect point to stop and head out for the morning walk. The doves are singing, its a little cloudy, rain is probably arriving soon. It feels like a good morning to listen.

So- words. What are your favorite words? How do you use them? What works best for you in both giving and receiving them? And what is it that makes words (written, spoken, sung) ring true for you?

Have a great day!

Updates

A little tinge of green, cause Spring is going to come SOMETIME...

New links...

Tequila postponed cause I decided to be a little productive and then wind it down early, and to sip the nectar of the agave should be a slow and simple pleasure...

Have a great evening!

( I like ... what do real writers call those things???)

Early evening

Just home. Sunny and clear, a little cool. Weather turning again though, it happens fast here in the hills. Just put a chicken loaded with enough garlic to kill 100 vampires in the oven to roast, and soon to have a taste of Agave Nectar. Afternoon playlist winding down and looking toward the evening.

"What's that you're listening to?" you ask...well, how convenient that I happen to have the playlist right here!



I've been listening to this list repeatedly over the last few days, and loud. I don't know what any of this says about me and my state of mind.

Oh yeah...the early-evening-making-supper kitchen dance? "Take Me To The River" I REALLY need me one of those Big Suits...

Have a great evening and dance on your way home or in your kitchen!

Synapses finally firing...

Ok, coffee kicking in, eyes wide open, music loud on the way to work, the chasing of rabbit-thoughts in my head at full tilt.

What color is in your mind this morning? Tell, or even better email and I'll post the rainbow of readers tonight. Let me know if you wanna be anon, or named.

Todays Oblique Strategy: You can only make one dot at a time.

Off to make my dots, have a good day with yours.

Morning Light

Sunrise. Coffee. Cat jockeying with laptop for space. Early, the workday ahead.

Ended the day early, slept long last night, one of those exhausted-feeling sleeps, like a stone. No movement, no dreams. And stirring about slowly this morning. Waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Dislikes: clocks, calendars, schedules, artificial rhythms. Even living way up here in the hills, if you have a day job, the pace isn't organic. But I'm not gonna slip into griping this early...

Let me just say I think David Byrne is a creative genius, with an immense talent and great sense of humor. And Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies are a wonderful no frills dessert after spare ribs.

I wanted to play you some music this morning, but can't get my act together, so make your own and tell the rest of the class about it.

Do one thing different today just for the hell of it. Tell us what it was, and how it felt.

Have a great day, wherever you are.

Tangled Up in Blue

Expand the experience...

Today's clay

Walking thoughts

Just in from the mile long trudge (yes, today, trudge, not walk, amble, meandering) down the hill to the mailbox. Cold, gray, a raw wind coming off the ridge like a far away freight train. It feels...desolate seems like a good word.

The mailbox yields nothing to improve the mood. Junk, bills, the usual mail garbage. Good for starting fires in the woodstove. Which will pretty much end up today, the woodpile is done. Early this year, I blame it on all the high winds. The house is harder to warm when its windy cause the old windows are a bit drafty. So we'll be forced to use the furnace system, which means another layer of sweaters and hats. Gotta keep those fossil fuel costs in line.

It feels like a good day for comfort food- I'm craving chicken pot pie. But don't have all the stuff to make it, and the grocery down in town is too far to go to just for that, too much trouble it seems. I'm in a hunker down mood. So I'll see what the freezer can yield, and maybe bake some sweet potatoes. And a pot of pinto beans with hamhocks. And if i have cornmeal, then cornbread.

See? The benefits of blogging: A menu sketched out, one little thread of untangled thoughts. I'll take it.

Down to my studio now to see what I can do with the rest of the jumble. The pendulum swings, constantly...

Hope all have a peaceful day.

Purple crayon days...

running outside the lines and off the page...

Pausing

Because sometimes I need to slow down...

A boy, a camera, a tripod, some clay, some paint, Neil Young and Crazy Horse thrasing on the stereo, and what I got done by coffee time...

parts made and ready to be assembled....
starting to put this one together, need to let it sit a while....
before starting on the big one...
big one complete, ready for slow drying...
me, needing coffee...

Saturday making

stuff.

Pictures later, maybe.

Hope everyone can get out and do their thing with wild abandon today!

Friday Night

Have metaphorically run off the road and into the ditch. So I need to unplug and dig out. Not to worry, I have handiwipes and can clean up quickly, and will return when extricated from the mud.

Have a great weekend.

Music replay...

I dream vividly: technicolor, soundtracks, special effects, mult-episodic sagas, smells, tastes etc. Last night, I dreamed song lyrics (not of them but them...I can't explain it...) Here's the fragment that was left over when my eyes popped open at dawn:

"We've gotta roll with the punches
Learn to play all of our hunches
Makin' the best of whatever comes your way
Forget that blind ambition
And learn to trust your intuition
Plowin' straight ahead come what may..."

So, the burning questions I have in my mind this morning are:

1. What is your favorite air instrument?
2. Spotlight, or off to the edge of the stage?
3. Instrumentals, vocals or both?
4. What tune did you dance to this morning? (fess up, you KNOW you did!)
5. Solo, or backed by a band?

Have a great Friday! The weekend is just a mere 8 working hours (more or less) away!

Remembering that it's "small ponderings"...

I think the problem the last few days with getting this post up is a matter of scale. This came to me because the documentary project I'm working on has me a bit stuck only cause it's such a big story I can get my arms around it.

The way I work on most anything is with a whole vision. I usually see/feel the big picture, then back into the details. Much more organic than linear. Add, subtract, redo, fumble around, until I arrive at IT. And IT is always an intuitive spot, as long as I'm honest with myself and not all controlling. And I'd say at least half the time, I don't get IT.

Anyways, this post: what's on my mind and what I've been wanting to talk about is the bittersweetness and built-in melancholy of life, and how for a long time I thought there was something wrong with that, and now, for whatever reason, I don't. And how I'm realizing a lot of people (myself included) possess these great passions, both light and dark, and how my history has been and how I observe that a lot of us repress what we perceive as dark (cause you know we always want to be light and bright!) and how I'm now learning that maybe that's not healthy, or fair, to ourselves or those we interact with. Only recently (in the past 6 months or less) have I learned how to make stuff when in a dark or stormy mood.

I feel a lot of changes in perspective and attitude happening, daily, an opening up. I look back of my posts and see it, the mask post, the pendulum swinging, the ups and downs and thrashing about. I tend to extremes of mood and actions, and am less inclined to resist them. I'm more accepting of where I am at a given moment, and more confident that will change. I experience and feel things intensely, and am beginning to embrace things equally, instead of just going for the good stuff. I'm ever less interested in surface shine- I seem to want the rust, dents, mud, rawness, heat or cold, weight, storms and imbalances equally these days with the light, soft, calm, smooth, easy going perfectly temperate climate. And those universal messages? I'm getting a steady dose of them telling me that you can't have sun without dark, you can't have spring without winter. You can't have good without bad. Real life consists of more than facades, and I want to see it and live it in the full round.

I started getting a sense of these feelings around last November, when it occured to me that I've been driven to make certain clay forms for over 3 years and not knowing why. I saw them together and it hit me, they are markers, sentinals, directional elements. That's when the idea for the installation became clear to me. I didn't (still don't) know why I need to do it, but am certain that I DO need to do it. And since January, the scope has grown, like once the trickle began there was no holding back the flood. So now the bigger and more varied forms I've been talking about, still all markers, indicators, pointers. And the recent obsessions with drawing and painting doors and windows. Just over the last few days, I realized these fit (in my mind) right along with the clay work. What I don't know is are they entrances, or exits? And where do they lead? What am I being pointed towards? Finding something of myself (in myself)? Or is it a suggestion to lose myself? And why?

Of course all this is unanswerable, and I know the only course I can follow is to go with it, down all the little side roads and dead ends and meander around and let the answers find me (or not) instead of chasing them wildly. Here's one way I know change is afoot- normally I'd be tenaciously pursuing resolution of all this questions. And for some reason lately, I have faith they'll come in their own good time and I'm very calm, relaxed and even a little amused (on good days) about it. And to be honest, I'm enjoying getting acquainted with parts of myself I've kept buried for about a lifetime. The dark side, it ain't all bad, just needs a bit of tending to.

So I think I'm gonna bail on the Mother Of All Ponderings and stick with little bits and pieces. It's a matter of scale, and for me, as expressive and intense as I can be, small feels good.

I leave you with this tune from my playlist which I've been playing a lot since February. It kinda sums up how I'm feeling about things lately:

Hear 'em singing Happy Birthday
Better think about the wish I made
This year gone by ain't been a piece of cake
Every day's a revolution
Pull it together and it comes undone
Just one more candle and a trip around the sun

Chorus:
I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning
And it's good to know it's out of my control
If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living
Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go

No, you never see it coming
Always wind up wondering where it went
Only time will tell if it was time well spent
It's another revelation
Celebrating what I should have done
With these souvenirs of my trip around the sun

Yes, I'll make a resolution
Then I'll never make another one
Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun
Just enjoy this ride ...
Until it's done

Hope everyone has a great evening, and thanks for reading.

It's not a straight and wide road...

Well.

Apparently, I have veered off on a tangent where obsessively drawing and photographing doors and playing the songs in my head have reduced my ability (such as it is) to get stuff out of my head and into the blog. So, I give in, and I'll see where it'll take me.

Music du Jour

Hope everyone has a fine, fine day.

AARRRRGH! (or, if I was a writer, I'd be worried about being blocked...)

well, this just takes the cake. Language bottleneck.

Wednesday. Hump day. And no MOAP. Can you believe it rattles around in my head all day and then I can't get it out in the evening???

Try. Again. Tomorrow. Have a great evening.

Got Music, Part 2

If there are only 2 people on the internet that listen to music, that explains a lot about what's going on in the world. Of course, I must temper this opinion with the knowledge that 2 people is at least 50% of my readership...

But throwing reason to the wind (it's the mood I'm in today!) I offer up this 10,000 point bonus question about your playlist du jour:

Does your playlist reflect where you've been, where're you're at, or where you're going?

I sure hope I get at least 2 answers...

Now, to get wood in, build fire, feed and walk doggies, and commence work on the MOAP. Talk with y'all later.

Have a great afternoon!

Got music in you?

Share with the rest of the class...

on your personal playlist today:

acoustic, electric, or mix?
soulful, impassioned, or both?
grounded, or flying high?
mood determines music, or music determines mood?
dark or light?
dancing or still?
world or local?
rebelling or conforming?
boys, girls, or both?
repeat, shuffle, or play in order?
length of current list- long or short?

Have a great day!

The Mother of All Ponderings

ah, well, maybe not so much. but in my defense, i had a pretty full plate this evening, and got a late start. You know, supper, then emails to answer, then a link to chase down, images to edit, etc.

But I felt bad about leaving you all hanging, so thought I'd at least give you a bit of the story to come. You'll notice in the first image my tequila cup, sadly empty, after 3 fills. As I write this it occurs to me that it may help explain the temporary postponement of this major blogging event, but that's another story...I made this cup myself, um, 4 years ago and fired it in the worst firing wood kiln in Mitchell County. But it's just perfect for tequila sipping. The second image is from this morning, entitled "Pondering Sculptures in the Woods, Appalachian Spring". I was shooting for the impression of light and dark, contrast, to illustrate a point in the post, which I apparently will make at a later date. Following that image is another, a small vignette of Life, the Universe, and Everything as perceived by daffodils. Yet another illustration for the fantastic entry I had in mind. Finally, a page from my notebook, just to substantiate that I did (do) in fact have intentions of writing an intelligent and articulate post, discussing a wide spectrum of thoughts including the Jungian Shadow, acknowledgment, acceptance and resolution of light and dark, Doorways (entrances or exits?), current artistic obsessions, and the general state of the Pondering World View, as of whenever I write the post.

It occurs to me that folks that happen to read this entry may look askance and wonder just what the heck is he talking about? Fair enough; I'll say that this chaotic entry is emblematic of the greater topic of "how things just aren't perfect and balanced all the time, and if they were, that'd be a little weird". One of my favorite sayings is that a well lived life is a messy business, and I'm going to open up all the Pondering doors, windows and closets so you can see what makes it tick. As I said yesterday living isn't a one dimensional experience, and I'm not a one dimensional guy. The pendulum swings, that's what keeps the time, and I have ups and downs and twists and turns that would put any rollercoaster to shame. So anyone that wants to can come along for the ride. Just please keep your hands inside the car for your own safety. There will be Light Ponderings to come, and Dark Ponderings too, cause that's just the way it goes sometimes. It's all part of a whole, of a multi-dimensional, many-layered life, messy, juicy, sometimes chaotic and sometimes perfectly still, but it's all I have to work with. And I gotta say, that aint all bad.

Finally, for all that is good and holy in blogland, does ANYONE have a clue of how to make blogger images and text line up easy so it doesn't look like some tequila addled hillbilly got his hands on a keyboard???

Have a great evening, wherever you are.

Hand crafted internet art, just for you...

I'm working on what has the potential of being the "Mother of All Ponderings", or quite frankly a big unpublishable mess. We'll see, so stay tuned for updates. (It was a long workday, and I'm just getting home, and got to do home stuff before getting back to the story...)

I'll give you fair warning so you can have a drink in hand, feet up, and make a sudden decision to clean out that closet you've been meaning to get to....

The Eternal Swing

(because living isn't a one-dimensional experience...)

Maybe pictures will lead to words?

(in progress)

It's Sunday...

What'cha all doing today? Me, I'm making stuff.

(And working on a long and involved post in my head. It'll be interesting to see if a) it comes out to the keyboard and b) if i can set it free in the wild.)

Hope Sunday is being kind to everyone.

The Sounds of Silence

The internet and the blogosphere are wayyy quiet this weekend. I 'm not sure what this says about me that I actually notice it. So I think I'll go back down to my studio for a while.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, clearly it is more interesting than mine. Be well, wherever you are.

Back to clay and music in the night...

Studio Ponderings

What I'm thinking about when I'm not working on other stuff






and this

















What I did about it today...









and this...






















and what I might do with it (in clay) starting tomorrow...

Message from the Universal Broadcasting System

BEGIN TRANSMISSION:

HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU WITH THE FUNNY HAT...LISTEN UP:

1. LIFE ISN'T EASY
2. LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR
3. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
4. AND THAT'S OK

END TRANSMISSION.

Well.

Everywhere I turn recently I've been getting variations on this theme, so clearly I need to ponder on it. Mainly 'cause I generally can't get to #4. I haven't been able to let it be OK. Gotta change it, gotta exercise me some CONTROL, gotta fix, make better, IMPROVE...

Maybe not so much.

There's a quote somewhere in a book I have that the great poet Gary Snyder relates that states "...no need to fix anything..." Of course I can't find it, and I can either spend the morning eating oatmeal and getting lost in my Snyder books, or I can wing it and write this entry (guess which one I'm choosing???). If memory serves (always a dicey proposition with me) it was in the context of a larger discussion about how everything is as it should be even though we're incapable of recognizing that little fact. Now that I think about it, I believe the thrust of the piece was one of active acknowledgement and acceptance of things as they are, but not allowing for the abdication of responsibility for our living. The Universe seeks its own balance and always gets the last chance at bat.

The artist I visited yesterday and I talked a lot about this; coincidentally he's in the beginning stages of a new series of work that revolves around the idea that life isn't all flowers and sunshine. This fellow is well-established and well known, and this new work is a big departure for him. I won't say much about it, except that it left me feeling pretty good about life in general. He's using a comfortable material, safe and pleasant, something everyone takes for granted, and then investing it with a message that jolts one out of complacency. It'll be interesting to she how they're received; on the first pass they're startling in their honesty, but once you get past that, you can see the irony, humor and pathos present in each piece. Added to this the work is a functional everyday use item, something not often considered as a vehicle for a message. I of course loved them and wished I could be so original, so clear, so sharp. He reminded me that it's taken him 40 years of work to get to them.

But, as usual, I digress and I do have a point: (and I've probably said this before, but please indulge me)

Ultimately, I think we have to live our lives as best we can (and if you're a maker, and everyone is) make our stuff and let it stand on its own, without explanation, justification or excuses. We just need to be a little kind and generous of spirit to everyone and ourselves, allow for differences, and know that every day is composed of good stuff, bad stuff, and going mad stuff; it's all part of a whole. We do the best we can, and as someone reminds me frequently, "just keep going." And we're all in it together. So we should try to help out when we can, and ask for help when we need it. (ok, just cause I don't always do all this doesn't mean it's not a good idea...)

'Nuff said about that for now.

Linkage for anyone that makes stuff, a discussion group that started and I've been reading but haven't joined yet, but might...

Unflinching Illuminations

and another one, for all of us: (via Superhero Journal sometime in January...)

All is One

and finally a little thing, what I'm thinking about a lot lately, from Brian Andreas StoryPeople



Have a great Friday!

Slack-ing

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit I'm sitting with my feet up using my trusty old laptop (while still always coveting a 15" G4 PowerBook, not one of the new intels thank you), drinking coffee, pondering a walk, and having no intention of moving at a speed faster than slow all day. Oh yeah, it's 8:30 and I'm not at work. I am, in a word, being

Slack.

Usually after about day 10 at the school, I have no idea of what day it is. I just keep moving, making lists, getting things done. But once everyone is settled and in their classes making stuff, then I can breathe a bit. So that's me for the next couple of days. Breathing. Slowly. And naps.

This is necessary for sanity and mood restoration. And so I can make some art (or not). And of course there's all those darn little life maintenance details (taxes, the big ass tree out near the kiln needing whittled down with chain saw, minor car repairs, washing the dog, cleaning the house, buying groceries); there's just so much for a boy to do! But I have to tell you the probability of a high rate of task completion is looking pretty slim right now. I am learning after long years that the list is NEVER done. So why get one's self in a tizzy over it? Re-lax!

Sun night at dinner amid all the new student confusion, I sat with one of our resident artists, and we had this great discussion about all the pressures we face regarding time, money, and demands on our energy as it relates to our making. Everyone is this area is in the same boat: it's very economically depressed, and even if you're a workaholic like some of us are, there is just NO way to make anything above a maintaining wage. The artist I was talking to is a workhorse, and has made her living before she came here doing large project management of fabrication jobs which supported her and subsidized her art making. Since she's been here she's had to struggle, because no matter how bad she wants to work, there just isn't any around, for at least a 50 mile radius. (she previously lived around NYC and Philadelphia). So it's been a hard winter. We were talking about how the constant pressure of trying to keep ones head above water results in people becoming disconnected. I've been here a while, and told her that was one of the surprises about living here. There's this huge artist's community, we have a lot in common, people are generally pretty friendly, but no one has (or takes) time, because they're too focused on trying to keep afloat.

She related one of her concerns was that she felt that she was experiencing an erosion of generosity. Of willingness to give up time, or even having to think about whether could she afford a cheap bottle of wine to bring to the occasional potluck we have around here. And then made the point that all we ever do is potlucks, cause hardly anyone can afford to do a dinner for more than a couple of people. And that with all the challenges people face, it's like they (we) don't have time to slow down and just be nice.

Sad to say, I don't think this is much different here than anywhere else, at least in our culture. It runs too fast. Lots of pressures on people. Some of it real, some of it artificial, and anymore it's hard to tell the difference. Lots of static, and it interferes with our ability to see, hear, connect. Time is a luxury.

So today I'm lucky because I get to indulge in luxury of non-hurry, as long as I don't fall into the rut of the "getting things done" buzz. So, I'm on guard. I'm going to go for a long walk in the morning sun with the dog, see what kind of birds are about and listen to what the morning sounds like. Later, I'm headed over to the next ridge to visit with the fellow that is sort of mentoring me, talk a little about sculpture, maybe have a beer in the sun. Then I'll meander back, and if its warm, I'll nap on the deck, if not, then on the sofa. No clay work today, but maybe some drawing or painting if the mood allows. And maybe I'll think about making a decent slow supper. Or not. Because you know, today I'm

Slack.

The best part? I can take the time to be nice. And find a way to be generous. And most of all: Relax.

Hope everyone has a good day. Slow down if you can, and don't forget to breathe.

Wednesday Night at the Ponder-er

Well, its been a long and busy run at the day job for the past 2 wks, and I'm done in. Gonna take me a little downtime to rest and restore the batteries. So, I'll hold off writing much tonight in hopes that a clear and quiet head might result in something decent tomorrow (or the next day, or the next...)

Hope everyone has a great evening. Groovy stuff to come, so stay tuned.

Catalysts

It dawned on me today (while it is probably obvious to everyone else) that I rarely (if ever) have an original creative thought. As far as art work goes, I’m a responder and re-actor.

I see, hear, taste, read, smell, and feel things, and these act as catalysts for the things I make. Most often there is no direct line between the catalyst and the product of my responses. While I apparently am devoid of original thoughts I think my responses and reactions are unique and original to me. So that suits me fine.

One of my favorite questions to other artists is “where did that come from?” I don’t think I ever ask “what does it mean?” because I think we’re all responsible for finding our own meanings in most everything, even though we’re often conditioned to the opposite extreme. But I like to know what inspires(d) a person, I like to know what they think and what they feel. Sometimes this is extremely difficult for someone to articulate honestly or directly. Even someone like me that is fond of words find them weak or limiting at times when trying to describe feeling. Some things are just too big (or small) to write or talk about. If you ask me to explain my inspiration, a lot of times you get a shrug of the shoulders and some mumbled variant of “I’m not really sure…”. This is not because I don’t want to communicate, but because truthfully, I’m not really sure. Then there are the rare occasions when I am very certain and specific and talk or write about it at length. I suspect people might find that extreme a bit tedious.

Anyways…

My favorite things that I make, and read and view, tend to be the ones that transcend words. I mean I really like full-on, un-inhibited, raw and unfiltered, here-it-is-for-what-it’s-worth essential expression. Sometimes these expressions can be lean, spare and clean, almost empty, and sometimes chaotically cluttered and almost indecipherable. But what speaks to me (and I believe to many others) is when somebody creates something honest and truthful, stripped of any artifice or guile. (while I know it is contradictory I include writing as one of these areas of expression, even though words are involved. Good writing can easily transcend the words used to create the piece.)

Everything I make creatively is inspired by something else. A piece of text will give me a sense of color, color might spark the need to create a shape, the curve of a line might lead to a poem, all of it can lead to music and vice-versa. I am a sponge; I absorb information, process it, and create something from it. It can be instantaneous, or take years to bubble up. But I’m fairly certain I make nothing out of thin air. I require a catalyst.

I have a theory that most everyone is an artist, whether or not they’d define themselves that way. I mean almost everybody makes something- maybe it’s more correct to say that everyone is a maker. Books, paintings, sculpture, collages, cakes, drawing, supper, knitting, drinks, shoes, gardens, clothes, collections…your self…everyone is making something all the time. So how do YOU start? Blank slate with clear vision? Or amidst a clutter and jumble, assembling parts and pieces until something takes shape? Neither? Both? Do you construct, or destruct? Is new and original important, or are variations on a theme equally valid?

Inquiring minds want to know. There’s lessons to be learned.

Have a great day!

Stick a fork in him, he's done...

Burnt to a crisp from the work day. Need some sleep, so I connect word dots. Stuff in the works, stay tuned. New episode tomorrow (or soon...)

Have a good evening!

Word of the Week: Ephemerality

Is that really a word? I have to look it up…

Ok, yes.

I am a huge fan of Andy Goldsworthy’s work, and of ephemeral art in general. I like to make such art myself. It feels to me like ephemeral art most closely resembles and compliments real life.

I’m sure there’s a lot of views and disagreements about this- some folks want to make things that are long lasting, as permanent as can be, leaving their mark on the world. They want to create objects that are statements and contain fixed meaning. Not so much me; I like to make stuff that is suggestive, not definitive. Snapshots, glimpses, fleeting sounds, curls of creative smoke that dissipate, but leave a lingering not quite certain scent in the air.

Why do I like this kind of work so much? I think because the impermanence speaks to me for some reason. I’d like to make things that evoke a feeling, spark a memory, give a sense of possibility, or create a space for pausing and letting a mood wash over.

The control freak part of me finds this hard to do, so I have to work at it. At my best, I’ll make stuff that has no point, set it out into the wild and let chance run it’s course. Otherwise, I just make a thing, and it’s static, which then makes me crazy: why wasn’t I brave enough to not exercise my will over it? I very often forget to leave time and space for the possibility of magic to occur (or not) and more often than not tend to fill a beautiful, peaceful silence with some chatter or other. (editors note: today’s oblique strategy was: “Don’t Break the Silence”)

Inspirations for such work: that 2 second period where the sun shines golden above the mist below, when the light quality is crystal liquid, and then is swallowed up by the mist, gone…the moment a flower springs open from a tightly wrapped bud…the electric thrill of warm lips meeting right at the beginning of a kiss…the direct sense of taste and texture before you can think about it when you pop a piece of Unagi sushi in your mouth…the fleeting sweetness of the first sip of cold clear spring water…little bluebirds fledging, all anxiety and excitement, then leaping in faith…the three notes of a song that go straight to your heart before you catch yourself knowing the tune…the moments before the sun peeks over the east ridge, and the last ray of golden orange light flashing into purple twilight as it drops behind the ridge…the moment of anticipation when you call someone you love, right when they answer the phone and just before they speak…the hillsides greening on the first real day of spring…6 bambi deer bouncing across the road and into the woods…that moment you lay down in bed after a long day, when your mind stops, just for a second…a glance across a crowded room, connecting with someone eyes, and for a split second, you both see into each others soul…the smell of the air as a rain shower approaches, just before the deluge…an almost nothing whiff of perfume that sparks a flood of memories…the feel of new spring grass the first time you step on it with bare feet…

Obviously, I could go on at length…but here’s the point: all these experiences are immediate, fleeting, instantaneous and you can’t physically hold on to them. Here, and gone; ephemeral. But no less real and everyone reading this knows these scents, tactile feelings and tastes and probably has the ability to associate bunches of random memories to them.

I think the strength in a thing/object is in their ability to evoke meaning, memory, and feeling. Experiences, memories and feelings, that’s the stuff of life. What matters most is what happens inside of us, how we respond to outside stimuli, and what we do with it.

Living doesn’t seem to be a static experience. The only constant is change, the degree determined by the speed of change relative to time. It’s all happening, all the time. So we live, learn, we do. We gather our experiences, have feelings of all kinds sparked, and store our memories within our cells. I kind of like the idea that every second, every encounter with anybody/thing can result in a permanent imprint. So, today I encourage everyone to celebrate and embrace ephemeral experiences and share them with us.

I’m off to work for the rest of what is going to be a long day. In the process I’m gonna try to be open to little sweet and unexpected happenings. I’ll see what I can experience, share, and learn, and what memories can be made from that bit of living.

Hope everyone has a great day wherever you are.

Puttin' my feet up

Just in from a long and unfullfilling workday at the day job. At least the weather was nice, and the moonrise was a nice counterpoint to the sunrise I saw on the way in.

Open a can of soup, eat it from the pot, wash my face, and then to bed, so I can get up and do it again tomorrow.

The minutiae of earning enough money to live... (I just mistyped that as "leave", and it made me laugh, a textual freudian slip...)

Clearly, not able to ponder much of anything this evening. So quit wasting your time reading this, and go out and see the moon in your neighborhood. :^)

Have a great evening!

Small Ponderings Small Dog in the Sun

Izzy, in rare form on this 75 degree sunny day!

So I'm slack and headed to bed, even though I'm bursting with bloggage ideas. Day job is kicking my butt for the next few days, and I got to pick and choose where my energy goes. But I'll give this spot some attention soon, promise. For now, I wish everyone a great night and a good weekend.

Spring, she is coming! (he says with optimism...)

What we can do

For some reason lately I've taken to watching the evening news. I don't know why, I'm usually deliberately un-informed by choice. I have little to no faith in the mass media, so my watching consists of listening and then providing simultaneous editorial commentary right back at the stupid shouting tv box. I suppose this is my intellectual contact sport. I think its about run its course; I've reached my quota of broadcast lies, fabrications, and stupidity for the year. But last night I got to thinking (after the nightly toxic dose of "information") that if everything everywhere sucks so bad (and on the surface it does, I mean greed, corruption, wars, epidemics, etc etc) then WHAT can a person do in a day to create a little grace and peace? To do nothing doesn't seem like a good choice, it's too much like giving up. Fighting it isn't much better cause then we're being suckered into participating in a fixed game. So I'm thinking a little revolutionary non-participation is in order. We can regain and maintain our humanity on an individual level and maybe be bright spots in an otherwise big, dark and stormy planet. Besides, it's a matter of style; if you have a choice (and we do) then why not run counter to the big machine, if for no other reason than the sheer fun of it?

So here's my suggestions of how to make your immediate world a better place today (or tomorrow, for the reader in the eastern time zone...):

1. Think for yourself.
2. Relax.
3. Be patient.
4. Play nice.
5. Have some fun.
6. Do good work.
7. Say thank you and mean it.

That should throw a little monkey wrench into the bad news machine...

I seem to be in a list mode these days...clearly a reflection of my work days. Back to free flowing and organic prose soon.

Have a great evening!

From today's "Oblique Strategy"

"Don't be frightened to display your talents"

Well, ok then...

Obvious message received from a doodle

I'm of a type that always is looking for meaning in everything. Subtext, underlying motivations, nuance, essential truth...even in the course of busy days like these there is a part of my mind whirring away, searching for clarity and understanding. I've been that way, oh, like forever. It can be exhausting sometimes (most times). And I can really tie myself in knots.

But recently, over the last little bit, I've had some other possibilities creep into that busy little part of my brain:

Maybe Life, the Universe, and Everything is not supposed to make sense. Maybe it's not supposed to be clear. Maybe it just IS and the only sane choice is to roll with it. Maybe there are some answers to questions, but maybe there isn't An Answer.

I think of all the energy (emotionally and physical) I expend towards the effort of analyzing and understanding things... what if I just stopped, took things at face value, and spent that energy elsewhere? I'm not saying that I want to check out, or be blissfully ignorant, just that maybe a little more acceptance of things as they are instead of agonizing over them might be a little healthier. Maybe that same energy spent on all the gyrations in the name of understanding would be better spent towards having more empathy and compassion in life.

I've been dabbling on this post for a couple of days, lots of distractions and demands on my time and energy; it's that time of year in the workplace. I find more and more that I'm either not able or willing to multi-task (this a topic for later) so if I don't feel like my head is ready to write, I pretty much don't. But sometimes it's a mood thing, and I'll just sit and doodle and settle and get quiet, and ideas will that have some organized structure will present themselves and I can go with it. The doodle at the top was one I did a couple of days ago, and I had a flash that it meant something, but wasn't sure what (see, now we're back to searching for meaning...except in this case I didn't search, it kind of snuck up on me). It came to me about 4am, clear as a bell:

We pretty much have to live the life in front of us at the moment. Wherever we are on the road, path, or journey, whatever you want to call it, that's where we begin and what we have to work with. Past doesn't matter too much, can't change it, there are no do-overs or rewinds. Future? Well that's just a big cosmic ? mark, cause for real, who the heck knows WHAT is going to happen? Better we focus on right now, and do all we can do with the moment we have.

I've always been a big anticipator, look ahead-er, planner, be prepared-er etc. Why I don't know, I love surprises, but I'd pretty much erase a lot of the possibilities by thinking things wayyyyyy out. And of course more often than not, nothing goes the way I anticipated, and then I had all that lost time and energy invested in it, which then makes me feel like I need to make up for lost time!

So where I am tonight is that I'm ready to say "enough". And I went back in my notebooks from the past few years, and picked out notes I wrote to myself, and came up with a little directive, for myself, that I'll share with you:

1. Start where you are.
2. Slow down.
3. Pay attention.
4. Use what you have.
5. Don't take anything for granted.
6. Be grateful.

That's me, today. Who knows what I'll be like tomorrow? Check in, we'll be surprised together.

Have a great evening!

The Un-written Post(s)

Would you believe I have not one, but THREE different posts started, and at least two of them have some substantive content? Or what passes for it in my world...

But alas, I am running out of gas. The day job, it demands much attention of late. Early up, late to home. And my mind is a bit on the mushy side. So instead of fighting it, I'll give in, call it an early night and hopefully regroup with a bit of shuteye.

Hopefully I'll have a finished offering soon. For now, I wish you all a good night.

Sense of Place

Coming Clean

What a day.

Tomorrow is our annual community day at the school, and we get a LOT of people up to day studio tours and activities etc. This is one of the 4 big events of the year, and also comes on the weekend before we actually open for students, and 50% of my staff is new to the campus and situation, having just arrived this week. Of course it was 70 degrees and sunny for a couple of days, and today it was 30's and snowing, and who knows what tomorrow brings. Add to that the broken water main and the fallout/repair, and this year is starting off normally. I work all day tomorrow, have Sunday off, then work for at least 10 straight days without a break. These days wear me out, and I'm usually good for nothing in the evening except come home, clean up, and crash. It is times like this that my job gets all consuming by necessity. But that's what pays the bills so I get over it and get to it.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about, and actually not the post I had planned for the evening, which may or may not be forthcoming. But I felt like I should get something out in the open before you read it on "Bloggers Gone Wrong" or something...

So.

I got busted at work today.

Oh yes, it's true. At the tail end of a busy and chaotic day, something had to give. You see, when it gets crazy busy, I absolutely have to do something fun, just for my sake of balance. And since today I was still technically working by myself, I thought I could sneak in a little treat. So I was working, having just unloaded a van full of crap, iPod at high volume, when I decided to give in to the urge. And that's when I got busted.

The construction guys came upon me playing the air guitar solo part of "Touch of Gray".

Jerry Garcia would have been proud. I started out noodling, and as the crescendo built, went into full fledged head shaking hair waving jam and twirl mode. And it's a longish solo (live version).

They caught me about 3/4 of the way thru, and what could I do??? Not finish? Would Jerry break off, just cause someone was paying too much attention to him? I think not. So, I finished with a flourish, took a bow and moved on. I'm not sure if the stunned look on their faces was admiration or the fact that I wasn't playing a lively country/western or bluegrass tune. As I exited stage right, they shook their heads and walked back to their heavy equipment task at hand.

Too bad.

The encore performance was Neil Young's "Rockin the Free World" (i played Neil's part) and I SHREDDED it!

Good late evening read

Art, Smart....Rachael talks about big things tonight and makes the point quickly and directly. I wish I could get to one that fast...

I won't blog the golden nugget in her piece, but I encourage you to take a minute to read it for yourself.

Have a good evening.

Optimism: a followup entry on labels

I actually thought to look it up this evening after thinking about it all day.

I don't buy into definition #1 at all, not being a doctrinaire, and disagreeing with the idea that this is the best possible world. I mean come on, really? And definition #2, well I have a little problem with that because in essence it sounds like spin control, which i totally detest. So this leaves me in a dilemma: if optimist isn't the right word then what is?

This lead me on a search in the dictionary, nerdy I know but whatcha gonna do? Romantic? Idealistic? Defined, these seem too out of touch with reality to describe how I normally feel/think, though I do gladly have and admit such tendancies. So I look in the other direction: Pragmatic? No, clearly not because of this entry: "...the exclusion of intellectual or artistic matters..." Practical? Feels warmer, but a tad exclusive of the impractical parts of me. More words, more labels, none of them just right.

So.

Here is what I think: I don't know that I can call myself any one thing or say that I have any dominant point of view, other than on balance I perceive myself to be more positive than negative. I think to define oneself or current point of view is maybe an act of immediacy, at least with me it is. Dependent on mood and circumstance and physical environment. Maybe that makes me a chameleon of sorts, just by nature. Besides, who needs a label anyways? We're all people, subject to change. And you never know what's going on inside of folks at any given moment.

What I do know is this: if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit the world can be a hard place. There is so much evidence to that fact. Bad things happen, people are hurting. Good people who don't deserve it suffer, people who should be condemned to a personal hell many times over seem to thrive. There's no making sense of it. Trying to deny or ignore these facts do no good and may contribute to making things worse. The question is how to avoid being consumed by the darkness that swirls around us at times?

Maybe a way is to look for those little glimmers of light that surround us every day in the normal, routine and mundane; find enough of those, and maybe it would help bring those scales a little closer to balance. None of these will fix anything, most won't make much of the bad and hard stuff better, but maybe seeing a little light will make it easier to keep going in the dark. So, these are the little lights I found today, when I stopped and thought about them:

1) Sunshine and 65 degrees unexpected in early March
2) House wrens nesting in the eves
3) The first crocuses of spring, and daffodils soon to follow
4) A dog sharing her bed with one of the cats
5) Good coffee, right when you need it most
6) Receiving email from a loved one
7) Quiet in the late afternoon
8) Screech owls at night defying the logging that daily reduces their neighborhood
9) New calves in the pasture down below, all wobbly and funny
10) Deer running across the llama pasture almost daily
11) Seeing just the very tip of hyacinths poking out of the ground
12) The promise of Asiatic lilies doing the same
13) Spontaneous chats with a dear friend
14) A truck that starts, runs and stops like it’s supposed to
15) iPod with new music, and a half dozen NPR shows waiting to be heard
16) New headphones for iPod, the first good ones ever
17) Silly projects done with distant friends via the ‘net
18) Vanilla scented candles
19) Old photos found in a barn, stored in the attic and for some reason pulled out and viewed
20) Netflix in the mailbox with good movieage
21) Slow, lazy acoustic guitar noodling
22) Sharp pencil and a fresh Moleskine
23) Good books in progress
24) Perfectly worn in shoes and a walk in the afternoon sun with a bouncing dog
25) Tinkling windchimes
26) The promise of sleep after a sleepless night and a busy workday
27) Green tea, made perfect
28) Kielbasa fried with onions, green pepper and garlic, hot mustard on the side, and a baked potato with sour cream and chives for supper
29) Eating from handmade plates and bowls
30) Scalding hot shower with Bay Rum soap
31) A good sumi brush, and thick water colors on heavy paper
32) Old laptop with new battery
33) Blogging: reading and writing
34) New Billy Collins poetry
35) Old Neil Young tunes
36) Clay at the perfect working consistency
37) Old sweats (shirts and pants)
38) Knowing that soon it will be warm enough to live in cargo shorts and Birkenstocks and old black tshirts
39) Good pillows
40) Impossible and totally useless projects that are exciting and doing them just because you can and want to
41) Love
42) Mom’s fudge
43) Sipping good tequila
44) Naps
45) Merriam-Webster online dictionary
46) Starbucks Coffee Almond Fudge ice cream
47) Bright red cardinals at the bird feeder
48) Sunset over the ridge, with a crescent moon rising in the twilight
49) Fuzzy slippers
50) A big soft chair and footstool
51) Slowing down to near stop, and dozing off for a bit
52) The dim light at the crack of dawn and another chance to get it right

Here's hoping your list is longer than mine.

Optimism

It's a new day, and I'm optimistic about the possibilities....

How about you?

(moderation is turned, off, have at it!)

Second night in a row

I'm on a geek-a-thon. Go figure, it must be the moon.

So nothing much else to say tonight except that it got 70 degrees today!!! and my day job is ramping up rapidly. I should draw a graph: day job related to creative time/energy. I think they are inversely proportional. How about with you?

(note: turned on comment moderation, but I'll try to stay on top of it, so please don't hesitate to comment)

Play nice, have fun, feel good and do something nice for a total stranger tomorrow. Just because.